11 Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives. Your widows too can trust in me."
It's almost impossible for to believe that it's been two years since my husband died. Two years ago this morning, just about at this time, my world changed forever.
Two years later, we are coping as well as anyone could expect, I suppose. I know the boys miss their daddy terribly. There have been so many things that have happened in their lives that I wish he was here to see or participate in...football games, band practices, soccer, basketball, girlfriends, school assemblies, drivers ed, baptisms...but I know he was watching from above and smiling all the while.
I miss Byron so much. I still grieve. I still cry. I still wonder when this pain will end...but I know it will get better with time and that he is watching over us, wanting us to go on with life and find happines again.
Baby, I love you always and forever...faithfully. Close
Hurt/ Laurie Black (Wife)
My heart hurts...there's just no other way to describe it. It's been about 20 months now and I hurt more today than ever. I need you here with me. I have tried so hard to keep up the appearance that all is well and that I'm OK...but I don't know if I can keep that up anymore. I'm so tired. I've made an honest attempt at moving on, even going out with a very nice and kind man for about five or six weeks...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make my heart pretend that I was ready to move on. I also couldn't be so unfair as to compare him to you...which will be what I do for the rest of my life with anyone I might go out with. I don't know how to not do that. You were with me for 17 years...how can I not compare anyone else to you? You knew every single detail of my life, my head, my heart. How can I ever let anyone else in like that? How can I not think of you every time someone else holds my hand or gives me flowers? How do I ever, ever, ever get over you?
The boys are still hurting too...it seems now that Andre is having a lot of trouble focusing in school. He failed a class for the first time in his life, which means no band and no tennis for six weeks. He's also struggling in a couple of other classes, but passed by the grace of God. He has developed an attitude, mostly with the little boys but sometimes with me as well. I don't know how to handle it. J.P. and Clay are doing well at school in class, but J.P. has gotten in trouble for skipping class and Clay has been in trouble for not paying attention in math class several times.
I can finally admit how angry I am that I am dealing with this alone...I don't have anyone to turn to, at least anyone that I thought I could depend upon and who knew you. I haven't heard from Cary or Joe in almost a year. I haven't heard from Jason in 14 months, except for court issues (long drawn out story about your video camera and it's rightful ownership). None of the men who said they would help our boys remember you and to grow up knowing what a great father you were are here anymore. I don't know why they all just abandoned us...and that hurts and pisses me off completely. How unfair to those boys that not only you were taken away, but the three other most important men in their lives just stop calling or coming around at all. What does that tell them? What does that do to their emotional stability? Of course, they've met some very good and kind men here at our church...we've made a few new friends here but it's not the same.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I miss you so much that I cry more now than I did in the beginning. My blood pressure is up and I've gained weight. I feel bad all the time and I never exercise anymore. I'm just too drained, emotionally and physically. I just want to see you again. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss you calling me 17 times a day just to say hi. I miss you playing with the kids and me having to tell you all to quiet down and stop being so rough before somebody gets hurt. I just miss everything about you.
You would be so proud... / Laurie Black (wife)Read >>
You would be so proud... / Laurie Black (wife)
Tonight was really one of those "wish you were here" nights for sure...of course, all of them are, but tonight specifically was a night I know you would have been excited about. Tonight was the night that Andre got fitted for and picked up his marching band uniform. Seeing him in it, with the goofy hat and all, flooded my mind with all sorts of memories and emotions. I know what a huge part of your life that band was, and it is not any different for Andre. He practically lives in the band hall! He's had marching camp every day for almost three weeks, and is excited about their halftime show even though he isn't even "marching" persay...he's in the "front ensemble," lovingly referred to as "the pit" by his fellow bandmates. He plays snare in the stands and for marching cadences, but plays mallets (usually four at a time) and several other things in the pit. As a freshman, he knew his chances for getting to march as a snare were very slim...the upperclassmen who played snares all returned. He'll earn his place in line next year, I'm sure. I just wish you were here to see it. I still love you and miss you so much...even after all this time.
Remebering../ David Dawson (Friend)
I knew Byron from school band...junior high, high school, and the jazz band in Greenville. I remember the last time I saw him was at the Radio Shack at Crossroads Mall, just a couple of years after high school. Looking at this website, I can see that he really enjoyed life and had a special love for his family. (I knew him as a trumpet player; didn't remember that he played drums. Sounds like he was good at that too!) I always thought highly of him and was so shocked to hear that he had passed away. My condolences go out to Byron's wife and his three boys. I pray the Lord would give you all peace and sustain you through the years to come. Close
Happy birthday, baby! / Laurie Black (wife)Read >>
Happy birthday, baby! / Laurie Black (wife)
Today you are 41...I hope you are celebrating with the angels. We talked of you often today, the boys and I. I have felt your presence with us the past couple of days, and it makes me feel good to know you are still watching over us. I miss you so much...it seems so long ago when you told me "I love you...see you in the morning." I keep waiting for morning to come but it just isn't my time yet. I have so much yet to do.
Andre is getting ready for band camp. He reminds me SO much of you. He has a lot of your personality, charming, mannerisms, and characteristics. J.P. and Clay are growing into their own personalities, with J.P. being quite laid-back and easygoing, and Clay being the dramatic one. I see so much of you in each of them. Sometimes it makes it that much harder to cope because it makes me miss you even more.
I love you and hope your birthday with Jesus is special in every way. Keep a close eye on us.
Special Days - 25th June 2008 / Natalya (talj) Read >>
Special Days - 25th June 2008 / Natalya (talj)
Dear Laurie,
I realise it's not quite the day for you guys yet but here in the UK it's 1am on 25th June 2008. With all that is happening here for me right now I didn't want to forget to send you all my love and let you know that I am thinking of you and the boys today. I will also be thinking of Byron. Since my test results and the sharing of Byron's story I have felt that you were all brought into my life for a reason.
Though I wish it hadn't been such tragic events that triggered our friendship I am glad to have gotten to know you Laurie and I feel priviliged that you have shared your love for Byron and his life with me and many others.
Happy Father's Day / Laurie Black (wife)
Such a bittersweet day today...our 2nd father's day without you here, which is sad and breaks my heart when I think of the boys growing up without you here...but at the same time I am so proud of them and know that you would be too, if you could see the wonderful young men they are growing up to be. You raised them right their first 13, 8, and 7 years. I only hope I can be an acceptable substitute for you as well as still be mom for the years to come. I love you...please keep watch over us. Close
Dear Laurie / Natalya (talj)
It's been a while since I stopped by but there isn't a day goes by when I don't think of you and the boys.
Reading your latest message I am reminded of dreams I have had of Damian, so very real and always of him coming back healthy and happy. They are hard but they are also comforting, if thats the only way I can see him clearly then I'd have one of those dreams every day.
As I approach 3 years I look back at what has been a rollercoaster ride of low lows and a few high highs. There are still tears, many tears but there is also the knowledge that I carry him with me always and that's so important to me.
Sorry for 'rambling on' on your page, your recent words struck a chord with me but I'm maybe not expressing myself very well.
Laurie, I will keep you and the boys in my thoughts and prayers and will never forget Byron's smile.
I had a really bad day yesterday. There were a series of negative events and it seems that things happen like that sometimes...like dominoes. I had what you might call a grief ambush, I suppose because I was already kind of down due to the events of yesterday. By 8:30 am, I was sitting in my car at the baseball field, having a cry. I don't cry often, mostly because the boys don't need to see me hysterical...they need me to be strong for them. But yesterday morning, I was not. I probably spent 10 or 15 minutes having my breakdown, then I spent several more minutes in quiet reflection and prayer about it. I know grief is a very long road. I don't know where I am on the road, but I'm out there, and sometimes I feel like I'm out there alone. I just have to remind myself that God is with me and that He has the grace to calm my fears and my loneliness. I finally pulled myself together and went to the boys' baseball game.
When I got home, my antique roses were blooming so beautifully, I had to get the watering can and take a few pictures (thanks to the beautiful shot by eyewave on the front page of www.dpchallenge.com right now for some inspiration). The water drops remind me of the tears I cried and the yellow reminds me of the hope I have in Jesus.
*P.S. Weirdly enough, last night I dreamed about Byron. It was so real...he was on the telephone, telling me that he was OK and that he missed me...then he was all of a sudden off the phone and in the room. I ran to him and held him close, my head on his chest where I used to always put it, where I always felt safe. The dream was so real that I could smell him. I don't know if it was just my subconscious mind playing tricks, or a message from above letting me know it's all going to be OK...but I know I feel better today than I did yesterday. ;) Close
Rainy Days / Laurie Black (Wife)
It's storming outside...you used to love to listen to the rain and thunder. Every time it rains I am more painfully aware of your absence...and it's been raining a lot lately. I miss you so much. I thought it would get easier after a year but it's just not happening. I still feel lost, lonely, and empty.
The boys and I are about to make another change in this long series of changes over the past year. As much as we love our church back in Greenville, we are going to change our membership to a church here. I have a sense of peace about the change, but that doesn't diminish the sadness I feel in leaving a place that has been so important, special, and helpful to us over the past year. We have forged some important friendships, and all are directly attributed to you. As we move forward and start building relationships with a new church family, I plan to become involved in children's ministry...you know how much I love working with kids. This is a place where God has led my heart and I trust that He will use me to do great things.
I am having a hard time with the boys lately...they are becoming a bit more difficult to handle and seem to try to defy my authority somewhat more than they used to. I know that losing you has been incredibly hard on me, but I can't imagine how hard it is on their young hearts. I am praying for guidance and patience as I try to help them through this as much as I can. Please help me keep an open mind and heart as I try to parent them alone.
I've talked a lot this morning...I guess I just needed to vent and let you know how much I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to about the little things every day. I miss so many things.
I love you, baby. Please keep an eye on us. :) Close
Been a long time coming... / David Fox (Best friend growing up )Read >>
Been a long time coming... / David Fox (Best friend growing up )
It's taken me over a year to wrap my mind around the thought that Byron is truly gone. It is difficult to accept the finality of such things and at our ages, it just doesn't seem possible. In my mind we are still young and will live far into the future. The only way I have been able to cope is to try to put it out of my mind. But I can't and I knew that March would be a month I would never again feel the same about. These last few days have been dreadful and I can only hope that with his passing at least he is at peace. I miss you Byron. Close
One Year... / Laurie Black (Wife)
Baby, It's difficult to put into words all the emotions I feel this morning...we are at the one-year anniversary of your passing. Your "angelversary." I have longed for and dreaded this day, thinking that if I could make it through the first year without you, I would be OK and magically my grief would be lessened. I can assure you that the date on the calendar has done nothing to help lessen the sheer magnitude of the grief I feel regarding your loss. If anything, I think it pointedly shows just how much longer I will be without you.
Life has changed for us in so many ways in a short 365 days. We have moved, we have become closer to God in our faith, we have become closer as a family...but at the expense of being without someone that we love so very much. I don't know if I can honestly say it's worth it 100% of the time. Of course, I am so thankful to God that He is with us and that our faith in Him and His plan is great enough to sustain us, but it doesn't completely replace the fact that I want you here beside me. I don't think that statement angers God, because he's big enough to handle my feelings and my questions and still love me unconditionally.
I will be at the cemetery today...I know you aren't there, but it's a place that helps me to understand the finality of your passing from this life on Earth. You are with the angels now, free from any kind of pain, suffering, stress, or strife, and you are watching us closely...keeping an ever-present eye on our beautiful sons and helping them grow up to be the good, strong men I know they will become.
I miss you so much. I still long to hear your voice or feel your touch, and wish so often to see a sign that you are with us. I have to admit that I see signs, or at least what I equate in my mind as a sign that you are there. Pennies in peculiar places, radios that come on by themselves and play songs that you liked, even sometimes a wafting scent that reminds me of you alone. Maybe I'm crazy...but I hope it is you, helping me cope with your absence by being a bit more "present" in some kind of way.
I drive your car sometimes...this past week, while the weather was so pretty, I drove it a lot, top down, constantly thinking about how much you loved that car and how much you loved to drive it. Open roads, loud music blaring, wind in your face...all the things you loved about driving that silly little car that I thought was your "midlife crisis" toy. I'm so glad we have it to remind us of your zest for life. It's hard to believe that Andre will be driving it soon.
In closing, I want to ask that you keep watching us...keep sending us signs...because we will continue to look for them. It is the anniversary of one year without you here on Earth, but it's also the first anniversary of you flying with the angels, and what a beautiful thing that must be. You are present with God and I know you are taken care of. Please help take care of us until we are together again.
Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions.. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think about tomorrow.... next week.... next year. I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile. You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over" it. If I get overit, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same.
At times I think I am beginning to heal , but the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. I visit my neighbors. You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with my friends, I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self". Death and grief, have touched my life.... and I am changed forever.
Living with grief, day in and day out... / Laurie Black (Wife)Read >>
Living with grief, day in and day out... / Laurie Black (Wife)
When I open my eyes in the morning, the first thought in my head is usually "another day without him starts again." I have to ask God for strength to get up out of the bed so that I can face the day. I feel dread and emptiness facing me. Getting the kids up and ready for school is so mechanical, as well as going to work. I feel like I just go through the motions. We come home, eat, do homework, go to bed...and then it all starts over and over and over again, every day. The constant reminders that you are not here dominate my life. Dealing with the kids, grocery shopping, sleeping, sports practices, school events - EVERYTHING echoes how much and how deeply cavernous my emptiness is without you. Living with grief is not living at all. I am getting strength through God to make it through every day. I know that we will see you again and that God has a plan for us in all of this, but I am overwhelmingly sad and empty without you here. As we close in on a year apart, I find myself shocked and surprised that I have made it this far...and pray for strength to make it even further. Close
Happy 17th Anniversary / Laurie Black (Wife)Read >>
Happy 17th Anniversary / Laurie Black (Wife)
This was us, 17 years ago today. How time has flown by...we were so young, so in love, and so unaware just how short our time together would be. I think over and over again about what I would have done differently if I had only known just how quickly you would be taken from me...from us.
I learned so much from you during the years we had together...and I've learned a lot about myself since you've been gone. I never knew I could hurt so much, or miss you so much. I also have learned that I am a survivor and that as long as I have the knowledge that I WILL see you again in Heaven, I can handle this brief separation.
Happy Anniversary, baby. I miss you and love you and will see you again soon. Close
Happy Valentine's Day / Laurie Black (Wife)Read >>
Happy Valentine's Day / Laurie Black (Wife)
Another Day - Another Dawn by Elizabeth L. Anderson
Another day, another dawn, Alas, no sweet face, this morning's sun to warm. Yet, your presence lingers on, Here in a place you've never seen. I feel as if you have watched with me This sun caress these distant fells, and heard birds sing, As well as I, and seen this silver light, Spread over the eastern sky.
You are not far gone, you too will see Through, Heaven's open door This golden dawn, on some other shore, And hear the song of birds that never die, and see a sky of gold, That passes not away; That everlasting dawn Of God's Eternal Day.
Still missing you... / Laurie Black (Wife)
I can't believe that it's been over 10 months since you left us. I find myself thinking about you and missing you so many times during the day that I sometimes think I'm going crazy. I went to get dinner at Sonic the other night for me and the boys, and out of habit, without realizing it, I ordered 5 grilled chicken salads. When I got home, I put them out on the table for us and realized I had one left over. I don't know what I was thinking except that you should be here with us. Maybe you were hungry...or maybe I AM crazy.
I keep reliving that horrible morning over and over again in my mind...the things I saw, the sounds I heard, the things I felt...I don't know why it's become so difficult for me to deal with but I am replaying the events again and again, like I'm hoping for different results. Maybe if I had awakened earlier...maybe if I hadn't wanted to stay in the living room and watch some stupid movie...maybe if I had made you go to the doctor the day before...maybe you would still be here. I can't keep second-guessing and I can't bring you back, but I would give anything to hear your voice and feel your touch just once more. Close
Not happy but new year all the same / Laurie Black (Wife)Read >>
Not happy but new year all the same / Laurie Black (Wife)
I can't believe it's 2008 already. It seems that this year, at least from March 25 until now, has been just a blur that has sped past me and I am still standing still. I never knew I could miss someone as much as I miss you. You are still in my every thought. I have such a hard time dealing with your loss that I struggle to move forward. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but the idea of starting this new year without you is overwhelmingly sad and lonely for me. I miss you, baby...I love you and I feel like I will never get out from under this cloud. Please help me stay strong for the boys. They miss you so much and are hurting too. We love you. Close
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